I had to carry twenty-one push-ups into the makeup round, which, on previous days, didn’t feel as impossible as it did today, when I wasn’t sure I could even do one more.

This wasn’t the first time I’d battled difficult moments in my head since starting this challenge. “I don’t want to,” “This is getting hard,” and  “Can I really do this?” became staples in my thoughts.

Usually, my body and mind caught up to each other and worked through whatever I faced together. 

Today was different.

“I need a Savasana.”

Those were the first words out of my mouth after today’s 30-Day Push-Up Challenge workout.

For a yoga teacher, it felt strangely appropriate. Savasana isn’t just about lying down. It’s about allowing your body and your mind to absorb everything that just happened.

Apparently, I needed that more than I realized.

Today changed my entire view on the 30-Day Push-Up Challenge.

The push-ups didn’t get any easier—I’m not sure they ever will, despite how many I do—but, for the first time, they felt possible.

Going into Day 15, I wasn’t completely sure introducing intervals was the right decision. I hoped it was.

Honestly, I needed it to be.

When I woke up this morning, I was dangerously close to shutting down the whole 30-Day Push-Up Challenge.

Not because I physically couldn’t do another workout, but simply because I didn’t want to.

I questioned my motives, got caught up in my head about no one else doing it with me or caring about the videos, and it all suddenly became a burden I wasn’t sure I wanted to carry. I know I created this and did this to myself, for myself, but today I wondered if any of it was actually worth continuing.

Especially since I’m not even sure I can actually make it to the end yet.

Today was the first day in the 30-Day Push-Up Challenge that I didn’t finish within the allotted time.

When the timer ended, I still had four push-ups left.

Oddly enough, I wasn’t upset. Not because I don’t care about the rules.

But because I’d already decided what the rules were.

Long before this challenge began, I had circled Day 11 in my head. Combined with the slow rise until the challenge really gets tough, mixed with this day being the day you realized just how tough it’s going to be, made me believe it would be the day most people would quit. 

The novelty would be gone. The push-ups would finally start to feel heavy. The finish line would still be so far away that it almost wouldn’t seem worth chasing anymore.

Then Day 11 arrived…and I became exactly the person I had predicted.

Today, I failed a push-up for the first time in the 30-Day Push-Up Challenge.

My arms gave out as I was pressing back up, and I collapsed face-first into the floor.

And then I laughed.

Honestly, there was something strangely comforting about it.

Five days in, and I keep waiting for this 30-Day Push-Up Challenge to punch me in the face.

So far, it hasn’t.

That’s not to say the workouts have been effortless. Push-ups and I have never exactly been friends, which is part of the reason I started this challenge in the first place. But Day 5 arrived and…I feel fine.

For now.

I hate push-ups.

An odd thing to say, I know, given the announcement of a 30-day pushup challenge that will take us on a journey of grit, consistency, and community.

So why the hell am I doing this to myself?